oh, to be young again.

the once popular xanga is now a ghost town. what's up with that?

reading my past posts has really taken me back. i joined the xanga community in 2004, when i was a freshman in high school. today, i'm re-reading all of my stupid comments, meaningless catch-phrases, and scatter-brained posts as a freshman once again, only this time, i'm in college. this stuff really makes me smile.

a million things have happened since the creation of this site. as corny as it is, some of my life's "defining moments" have been outlined in these posts and i take comfort in the fact that i had some sort of therapeutic output back then. as much as i've changed, it's sort of surreal to look back and see that i'm still similar to what, or who, i used to be. i still laugh at stupid things. i still hate using capital letters. i still love being pretty and white. :)

i love that i forget about this site for long periods of time. it makes every visit home seem refreshing and familiar at the same time.

my soul-sista amanda died over three years ago, and her xanga is still posted. all the words she wrote, all the thoughts from her mind are still somewhere on this site. creepy that i look at that? maybe. but it keeps her "real" to me. it helps me remember her in ways that i have already forgotten. to be honest, that might be a reason i stay away... because every time i get on here, i'm deathly afraid that her posts will be gone, and i'll be left with a fading memory of how she was. some things are easy to remember - her clammy hands, her crazy toenail polish, and that cackle. but others come and go so quickly, it's hard to even realize and recognize them when they show themselves. i like that i can read her words. i like that i can remember her. i like that every time memories get hazy, i can log on and get caught in a flood of her manurisms, catch-phrases, and passion for life. i miss her.

in 2004, i met a boy. a 17 year-old boy named chad. i didn't know much about him, and i didn't need to. all i knew is that i liked him. five years later, that boy has grown into a man: a man that i can be proud of and respect. a man that, in a little over a year, i will call my husband and be with for the rest of my life. after all these years, i still find something out something new about him every single day. this time last year, i thought i had him figured out. i thought we had it made. i thought i loved him more than i ever could. now, after living together, after financially struggling (but supporting) eachother, and after spending every waking moment together, i realize that i am a better person when i'm with him, i'm a better person for him, and i'm a better person because of him. i've learned so much more about him, which in turn, has allowed me to figure myself out.

living together wasn't planned. when placed with a less than tolerable roommate, he was the one i turned to. it wasn't the easiest decision (what our parents would think, mostly) but we pulled up our big boy (and girl) pants and made our own "mistake". although i wouldn't recommend this to anyone, i have had the most amazing 8 months of my life. i've learned that personal space is okay. i've learned that sharing IS caring. i've learned that you can share a bed every night and still keep your V-card. we've grown together. we've learned from eachother. we've created a life together.

high school - a thing of the past. i felt like i had to claw my way out of there. do i miss it? not a chance. i hated high school when i was there, and... i haven't changed. and the funny thing is, i had a great high school experience. i met people, had fun, felt important and accepted. i just... couldn't breathe when i was there. i miss the people mostly. not very many, but there are a few. however, i've noticed that you make time for the ones that matter the most. you struggle to hold tight to the relationships that have enriched and added to your life. I see cameron on a weekly basis, and love it. I think of gracie every day, and although i don't see her often, we still remain close. it's friends like them that keep you sane. it's friends like that that made high school bearable.

college, well, it isn't all it's cracked up to be. it's still school, school's a pain, but it's freedom. it offers you the ability to choose your own path. i have to be honest... i'm not involved like i should be. but i like it this way. it's my decision. i'm enjoying not having to be "Susie-High-School" and doing this and that. i'm enjoying my year-long-breather. i've met awesome people. i've made new life-long-friends. i've had fun.

i'm happier than i ever have been.

it feels good to have xanga therapy again. you should try it. :)

oh em jee!

so... i'm freaking out.

i'm graduating... in two months.

i've always felt so much older than i really am, so now that graduation is almost here, you would think that i had the "well, it's about time" mentality.

wrong.

it feels like all of my security is going down the drain. i wont be at home. i wont be a student at camdenton.

back to my security thing, a long time ago, i thought that chad and chad alone was my security, and it sucked when he left, but i was okay. i was still under normal and comfortable circumstances. and when eden left, the girl i've been with since the day i was born, i just knew my foundation would be shaken... but no. i still had my home. i still had my mommy and daddy. i still had my friends and everyday surroundings.

not any more.

happy thought, i will be finally be with chad... something that i have wanted for the last three years. never again will i have to say good-bye to him. i can have my sister back in my life on an everyday basis, and i am so thankful for that. but my comfort zone and everything i've ever known, is going away.

i am so excited, but so hesitant. and the people that i want to understand my situation the most don't, or they have forgotten.

i always said that i really wouldnt miss high school, or the friends that went along with it. but now, i am starting to realize that those "blow-off" friends, have become my true, life-long friends, that i wont be able to share every day with. i've started to realize how much people mean to me, and that's a blessing.

thank goodness for tabitha. i dont think i could handle being without her, especially in such a vital stage of transition. it will still be hard, but at least we have eachother to lean on.

the rest of my dearest friends... lindsey, grace, cameron... who knows what i'll do. they are the reason high school was so bearable... and so great.

ugh. growing up sucks.

but yet, it's so exciting. it has a faint sense of familiarity, but a huge sense of unknown and wonder.

gracie showed a few of us girls a slideshow of pictures from high school. it's just starting to hit me. growing up is over. being grown is the hot new thing. we're in college, getting married, having babies... and it seems all too soon.

it's all a huge contradiction.

i've finally become that "ideal" that i've looked forward to, and strived to be, my whole life. i'm living the life i knew i wanted to.

and i'm glad.

only two more weeks. a mere eight days and i'm done.

but why does it seem so far?

i don't think it'll ever get here.

only eight days. that's all that is holding me back from a relaxing, carefree three month long vacation where i can reunite with my dearest friends, fall in love all over again with the man of my dreams, and say goodbye to my partner-in-crime for the past seventeen years.

i miss the swimming. i miss the sleepovers. i miss the softball. i miss the parties. i miss the dinner dates. i miss the fellowship.

i'm ready.

i miss my jake. my twin sense of humor and my little silver metal. i miss his kind words and his compassionate heart. i miss his deodorant. dang, he smells nice. i miss his dorky smile and his girly-man attitude. i miss his inspiration and his drive.

i miss meg. i miss her off-hand remarks and her black heart. she's my soul mate. i miss our laughs and our matching hair pompadours. i miss our gossip and when we make fun of speech impediments. i miss my childhood friend.

i miss eden ila. i feel like i never see her, and when i do, it's not convienient. i miss her sense of "feeling at home" with us and at church. i miss her wanting to spend time with me. i miss my shoulder that i cry on and the person that can make me feel bad instantaneously. she's been my best friend for seventeen years. i can find a new one, but i don't want to. i don't want her to go. i don't know what i'll do when she does.

i miss chad. i miss him always being here, always being around. i miss our conversations during car rides that last for hours, yet we never say a word. i miss the sunshade. i miss the sense of security i have when he's around and i miss the feeling of constantly being wanted. i miss the way he loves me. i miss the way he always makes me feel understood, even when i'm impossible. he's my superman. the only one that can make me feel this way.

i miss summer.

i miss everything being perfect.

it's so close, but so far away.

just get here already.

i think it's safe to say that i have just experienced, hands down, the best weekend of my life.

after lots of thinking, and more importantly, lots of praying, i have rediscovered my hunger for God. i realized how far i have gotten from Him, and how much i miss the comfort of His promises. i've been convicted of the sins in my life, i've been enlightened with a new knowledge and understanding, and most of all, my hope has been restored.

i've learned so much about myself and about what truly matters in the long-term scheme of thing. i've changed. my situations have changed. my relationships have changed. and all for the better.

my relationship with chad has totally transformed. i mean, it was always wonderful, but i really feel like we've started a new chapter. i don't know, it's hard to explain, but i think we've established a deeper understanding of eachother and in turn, a new level of intimacy, spiritually and emotionally. i'm learning how to compromise, and to make our healthy relationship into one that thrives and grows. i'm learning how to bring out the best in him and always being able to put a smile on his face, the very things that he does for me everyday. i love chad, and i have always have, but i am developing a new kind of respect for him and all that he stands for. he is absolutely everything to me.

i have a wonderful family, Godly parents who are still, after 20 years, so in love eachother. I have a sister that is leaving for college in the fall who i simply cannot live without and who serves as my therapist and supporter. i have a church that is constantly growing in knowledge and in servants.

i have a lot of things going for me. and this is only the beginning.

things are really looking up.

man. today sucks.

i know, my first entry in... well, forever, but i just need to vent.

so, today's amanda's birthday. and, gosh... this sucks.

i just cringe to think that in another four days, it'll be a year since she died.

i don't know how i'll handle that.

in a way, it seems like just yesterday, but then again, it seems like forever.

it's really weird. i was looking back on what i wrote on here just after she passed; all of the emotions i felt, all of the things i said... and the thing is, i still feel every single one of them. nothing's changed. time is the only form of healing that has taken place. the pain is still just as real as the day she died.

i dread december 4th. i wish i could skip that day. i don't want it to be here. i'd do anything for it not to be here.

this thing is just so... weird. i can't get over that. everyone's forgotten, now it's just a passing thought... which, i believe is a blessing. it makes it easier to forget, for those still stuck.

but i'm still the same. i'm in the same place. i still hurt, i still cry, i still wish none of this happened.

so please, i'm not asking for pity, i'm not wanting you to feel sorry, i'm not asking you to say anything.

just pray.

for her dad. for her baby sister. for everyone that was touched by this incredible girl.

please pray.